Lately, I have been talking to God more frequently, and thinking very much-mainly about my past. I’m in constant awe at where I am today compared to where I was just 10 years ago. In fact, if most people knew what my past has consisted of, they would be shocked. I was twenty three when I decided to end it all. I had lost everything in my life and decided the only thing I had control over anymore was whether I lived or died. Looking back now, I realize how foolish I was to allow myself to get to the point of suicide in my life. I was a drunken mess, to say the least. I took for granted everything God had ever graciously given in my life and was chasing anything in this world to ease the pain. I reached a point where I just didn’t want to live because I felt like I had become a burden to everyone I had ever known. One night I was drunk and got into such a terrible fight with my mom that she ended up storming out of her own house. I was tired of always hearing “I want my son back” and being asked “what happened to you?” Therefore, believing the lie that I was no longer worth anything, I decided to permanently end this torture. I preceded back to my room where I wrote a note apologizing to my family for everything I had put them through and then I did the unthinkable. With tears running down my face and self hatred brewing in my heart, I scarfed down an entire bottle of sleeping pills. Upon my mother’s return home, she found me laying on the garage floor, unconscious, with the note I had written next to me. She called 911 and the paramedics rushed me to the Emergency Room. The doctors did everything in their power to save me but they were uncertain whether I would live or not. Worry and panic among the doctors and nurses resulted in an advising my parents to start calling family members. A whole day later, I woke up from a coma. Interestingly enough, there was no damage to my organs and I was perfectly fine. To this day, the biggest regret I’ve ever had in my life is making my parents believe they would have to do what no parent could ever possibly desire-bury their child.
It was not until a few years later, that I actually came to a place where I was exposed to the Gospel and accepted Jesus into my life. Jesus met me though in that hospital room that night and saved my life even though I was still too blind to see it. He still had a plan for my life and refused to give up on me. This story is something I use to be ashamed of but over the years I have learned to understand that my testimony is not for me, but rather, for others in order for God to glorify Himself. I have shared this story on stage, in front of groups in different countries, and back home. I am even sharing it now so that everyone can see that I am nothing special. I say it all the time and truly believe it. I am simply a person that was lost and in the midst of my pain and sin, God met me where I was. It took one encounter with Jesus to forever change my life. After such a radical love encounter, I am now at a point in my life where it doesn’t matter what He says, my answer is yes. I have written a blank check to God saying whatever it takes, whatever you want, I’ll do it.
I was once told by a friend that they didn’t see me as someone on stage sharing the Gospel and the truth is, while it was something I felt God calling me to, I was relieved. I did not desire that for my life at all really. I did not want the responsibility or the attention but God has put me on a platform to share His love with others. To be honest, it is still not something I want. My only desire and the only one that matters is to have His name exalted above everything else and to give Him all the Glory. I’m comfortable in knowing I’m not perfect because it reinforces that need I have for Jesus daily. In fact one of my favorite verses says “His mercies are new everyday.” No matter what you did yesterday, today’s a new day and you have another chance to do better because just like me when I was laying in a hospital bed clinging to life, God still has a plan for your life.
I am now currently residing in Israel, where the Lord is doing many things in me. I have had the opportunity to walk in His steps and feel His presence more than ever before. However, I have fallen here just like back home. I’ve got things to work on and I always will. One day, I will be forever praising in eternity but in the meanwhile, I am determined to fulfill my calling and purpose here on earth. Since selling out for Christ, I have been all over the world and professed His name to countless people. I have seen signs, wonders, and miracles. Yesterday I even had the privilege to baptize my sister in the Jordan river. It was certainly an experience I will always remember. However, the best thing is having the ability to speak into others lives because I can tell everyone of them the same thing and that’s that Jesus loves you and God has a plan for your life. I believe it because if He didn’t He wouldn’t have sent His son to die for you or me. No matter what you have been through or what you’ve done, God will meet you right where you are at and He is the only one that will bring peace into your life. It’s a crazy life living for Him, and there is nothing greater. It starts with one choice though and that choice is yours to make.